I originally wrote this as a Facebook status on my personal page – because the anniversary date of my accident is coming up and I’ve got all the feels. Not the good kind either. I honestly don’t have a name for them, but they’re there every year around this time. I decided to turn that post into a blog because I KNOW I’m not alone in this and I want others to also know they’re not alone.
Did you know, that when someone goes thru a traumatic event at some point in their lives, when the “anniversary” date of said traumatic event creeps up each year, it is a very emotional time for the survivor? No matter how well someone is doing (or seems to be doing), no matter how much time has passed since the trauma, no matter what…the date stares at them just as hard as they stare at it.
For me, every time I flip my calendar to July…the 25th always seems to just pop out. Every time I even glance at the calendar all I see is 25. And yet I’m SO OK with my accident. I think it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t really wanna go thru it again but I wouldn’t change it either. It was traumatic. I suffered for YEARS. It was HARD to learn to be OK.
But no matter how many scars I give a nickname to, no matter how many jokes I make about the explosion, I have a hard time giving a name to the feelings I feel every year as the time to flip the calendar to July creeps up on me. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to cure this. It sucks but I also think it’s important. Important to remember that even though I survived a propane explosion, I’m not invincible. To remember that with all the pain, of which I will never forget, there has been so much good since the second I lit that lighter. To remember that if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I allow myself one day a year, only if I feel it’s needed, to cry. To grieve for that 9 year old girl. To grieve for my family and all they went thru. Usually that day is July 25. But come July 26, I’m back. Back to living the life I love so much.
I truly wish that everyone who has experienced a traumatic event at some point in their lives also can learn to not let it control them. That you learn to allow yourself one day, perhaps the “anniversary” date to have the emotions surrounding the trauma. But only one day. If you give yourself more than that, you’re going to find yourself in a hole that will be hard to climb out of. And you’ve already gone thru hell. You’ve already climbed that hole – don’t go in it again. Instead, look down into it and then look up, hold your head high and be proud. You survived.